Funky goal-setting

Happy New Year, and happy first birthday to my blog.

A year ago I started this blog as a way of journaling progress on my New Year Resolutions for 2009: to run a marathon or half marathon, to rediscover my love of rock climbing and to remain joyfully single.

1. I ran a Half Marathon and my first full Marathon – an incredible accomplishment of which I am immensely proud.
2. I did rediscover my love for rock climbing, but my toe injury is keeping me off the cliffs – permanently I’m afraid. The injury is chronic and recurring, and I am still unable to foresee a day when I can again jam a toe onto a hold and balance my full body weight on it. Oh well, there is always hiking!
3. I did not remain single throughout the year, and that’s OK. Early in the year I started a relationship with a lovely fellow who lived in Vancouver-but I ended it after a few weeks. I did remain joyfully single after that for several months, until after the marathon when I met Don. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, in fact he just kinda snuck up on me! A couple of casual get-togethers, a low-key walk in the woods, some increasingly flirty instant messages – and suddenly I realized I had an intelligent, fit, handsome, courteous, affectionate, single man right before my eyes who wanted to be with me, and I with him. Isn’t that the way love should be?

So this past week I have been stumped as to why I’ve been in such a funk. True, I had a very eventful Christmas wherein I accompanied Don to Nanaimo – his hometown – and met his family. It was wonderful, but tempered by the fact that I missed my own children and my grandson’s first Christmas. It’s not the first Christmas I’ve missed being with my kids, but it’s the first in several years, and it was because I couldn’t afford an extra plane ticket at the most expensive flying time of the year.

I was also in a funk because this year is so different from last. I had such absolute clarity about where I was headed last year at this time. I’ve done it – I’ve run a marathon! I’ve even – unexpectedly – got me a man! I can do anything!

Now what?

I had intended, when we got back from Nanaimo on Boxing Day, to put my mind to forming my goals for 2010. What about my Big Life Goals? Where am I in my career – where do I want to be in five years? Ten years? What will I do this year to get me there? What do I really want to do with my life?

But when I got back home to Victoria and some drunk a**hole had smashed into my parked car while I was gone. Here is my stream of consciousness after that piece of news sunk in:

ohmygod i can’t afford to replace my car i don’t have room for a car payment and i couldn’t afford to go see my baby grandson this christmas and the only reason my stupid old car was parked on the street is because I live in a cheap old rented place without a parking space and they never fix anything in that run down old building that doesn’t even have my pictures up on the walls and it needs a new paint job and why did I move here in the first place? And I really love the people I work with but  I am just living pay-to-pay..oh crap now they’ve put parking tickets on my rental car because the license isn’t on their list of residents oh what a pain now I have to contend with city hall too…

You get the idea. Then the “shoulds” set in.

I should be living in my own place with a parking spot. I should be more focused. I should be a better mother. I should have a neat home with nice furniture. I should have better clothes for work. I should be more committed to my career. I should at age 44 own my own home. I shouldn’t have so much debt. I should be able to run a half marathon on 2 hours. I should be able to fly to Saskatchewan to see my grandson at Christmas. I should work on that web project more. I should have a better workout routine for my spin class at the Y.

I’ve been driving myself crazy! And the January 1 deadline to set my goals loomed: Specific, Measurable, Accountable, Results-based and Time-limited (SMART) goals. I realize now that’s OK, because shit happens at any time, and the deadline has in fact forced me to think about things more clearly. Don’s been very helpful in pestering me with asking me the right questions (erm – the massages help too).

First – enough with the Shoulds. They are driving me crazy. Time to turn the nasty-blaming-unproductive “shoulds” into positive action. I ran a marathon a couple of months ago – I can do anything I want. Including nothing. That’s right. Nothing is an option. I don’t need goals, I want them.

I have a full and active life: I have a fairly demanding job which isn’t perfect but it pays well and I enjoy the people I work with; I have a teenage daughter who needs me present and accounted for more than she realizes; I have a new relationship; I volunteer at the YMCA: I signed up for the Vancouver Half Marathon in May; I have this blog.

Given there is nothing I “should” do, only that which I choose, it’s pretty clear there are a couple of things I would really like to focus on in the near future: writing (my first true love), and getting out of debt. My buddy and intellectual sparring partner Cameron has said a laser-like focus is key to success: “It’s about getting the critical few things done, not the important many.  It’s not rocket science.”

So – I have no resolutions but two broad goals for 2010: writing and paying down my debt (I will hone those into SMART goals for my own purposes). Of course I will keep running and volunteering and living my life – but in 2010 I will not take on a new project that is not related to either of those goals, and I will reduce time spent (or jettison) anything extraneous that distracts me from that focus. The good news for my legions dozens of fans is it will mean more writing on this blog.

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Oh – and by the way – I still don’t know if my twelve-year-old smashed-up car is fixable or not. If it’s written off I will apply the settlement to pay down my debt and explore a car co-op option.