First, the quick recap:

1. Official time: 2:08:04
2. Personal best by 4:20 (previous PB 2:12:24)
3. By any measure, that’s a huge jump in performance.

Why am I not really satisfied?  (Or more importantly – I’m feeling guilty about not being satisfied because in fact today was quite an accomplishment! At age 45, I have never run so fast for so long in my life, and I know I could run faster! Isn’t that amazing when you really think about it?)

Because I think I could have done better; because every other person I trained with (except one) finished faster (look at that handsome bunch of healthy people in the picture!), because I knew I wouldn’t hit my “A” goal just after the 5K mark, and I knew I wouldn’t hit my “B” goal before the 15K mark, even though my pace was stronger than ever before. It’s tough to recover from negative self-talk like that in the middle of an endurance race.

Let’s back up: here were my tiered goals for today:

• “A” goal that I set in January: sub-2 hrs. Reward: that tattoo I’ve been wanting for 10 years.
• “B” goal: sub-2:05. Reward: 2 summer dresses + necklace I picked out at Lark & Sparrow yesterday.
• “C” goal: sub-2:10. Reward: 1 of the dresses. No necklace.
• “Just finishing:” A spa day with a friend. Ok ok, I was going to do that anyway.

So – even though I realized that my stretch goal of sub-2 hrs was improbable, my goal of 2:05 was well within reach.

I felt crappy from the start. Even though I came to the first 5 K at about 29:00 I felt like I was pushing it too much, I was worried I wouldn’t have enough for those tough hills at the end of the course. I got a stitch in my side that took from the 7 until the 12 K mark to disappear. My legs felt heavy and tired. Many times, even before the first hill, I wanted to quit.

You are what you pay attention to: this was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I did the same workouts as my pace group friends who came in ahead of me; I was trained and ready. My own brain failed me: we now know that our brain tricks us into experiencing fatigue and pain when in fact our muscles are far from failure.

I knew this at the time because I had listened to a recent Radiolab episode that explored the limits of the human body. (Aside, if you haven’t listened to Radiolab, you’re missing out. It’s a radio show about science presented in a very – artistic – way. It’s where I first heard the music of Zoe Keating, for instance.)

As it happens, I found this Active.com article (echoing the same research) after I hobbled home today:

Fatigue is actually caused by the brain, which reduces its electrical stimulation of the muscles and produces feelings of discomfort to prevent any real damage from happening to the muscles or other organs.

….

A number of recent studies have clearly demonstrated that fatigue-related declines in exercise performance are almost always associated with corresponding declines in motor output from the brain. Other studies have shown that muscles are able to continue working beyond normal endurance limits–without suffering any harm–when the motor centers of the brain are artificially stimulated.

What I didn’t realize that the “rewards” thing was not going to make me run any faster. Just see what this educator has to share about the latest thinking on that.

With the information that we have now, we know that a rewards system does not improve or promote creativity.  It also does more to extinguish internal motivation, than promote it.

He shared his personal story of being an overweight kid; how rewarding him for playing hockey did not work (in fact backfired) while he was growing up, but…

As I grew older, I played basketball and my parents did not need to motivate me at all.  I loved the sport and I appreciated my parents recognizing me and encouraging me to do better, but I did not play for that reason.  I played because I loved it and I worked hard because I wanted to get better.  This has helped me into my adulthood where physical activity is something that I enjoy doing and have run a few marathons.  I love being active yet do not get any external award for my activity.  It is just something I enjoy.

I’m the same way. I was not a heavy child but I was not a jock by any stretch. I got into fitness as an adult, I was intrinsically motivated.

Becoming zen while running didn’t improve my performance either, it just helped me get through the race as well as I could; I alternated between silently chanting “Om Mani Padme Hum” and singing “99 bottles of beer on the wall” to distract my brain.

Clearly, I need to do that kind of brain training before race day. Run faster, longer on long run days. Run more hills. Revive my meditation practice. My brain needs to learn that pain, suffering are indeed illusions, that I am capable of far more than I have ever believed, that there is no reward or punishment. The doing is its own reward and in the end, it means nothing and everything at the same time.

Photo: my pace group at the start line, taken on my iPhone by a kind fellow runner!