So before I go on, I want to post this voice from Ugandan journalist Rosebell Kagumire. If you spared 27 minutes to watch Invisible Children’s Kony 2012, you can spare 6 minutes to watch this:

“This [Kony2012] is another video where I see an outsider trying to be a hero rescuing African children. We have seen these stories a lot in Ethiopia, celebrities coming in Somalia – you know it does not end the problem. I think we need sound, intelligent campaigns that are geared toward real policy shifts rather than a sensationalized story that is out to make just one person cry and then at the end of the day we forget about it …. How do you tell the story of Africans? [That’s] much more important than what the story is actually, because if you are showing me as voiceless, as hopeless you have no place telling my story. You shouldn’t be telling my story if you don’t believe that I also have the power to change what is going on.”

Right on Ms Kagumire.

Here’s what happened to me last week.

I watched the whole Kony2012 video after daughter sent it to me via Facebook. I cried. I wanted to order the Kony2012 kit right away. I was so proud of my daughter for wanting to get engaged in activism, for believing in something. It was my daughter…she was asking me to help her with something she believed in … how could I be cynical?

But as I watched I still had nagging little doubts in my brain. I know people who have worked in international development. I had read about child soldiers in Africa. Surely – military intervention by the U.S. is not a solution. It won’t work – they’ve proved that time and again: Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq, not to mention Somalia – what a disaster that was. I guess my daughter is too young to have seen Blackhawk Down.

And another thing: why would we want to shine a light on a murdering madman like Kony? I was more interested in the would-be child soldier of the video: Jacob. How is he doing? Does he still feel suicidal? Did he get some help for his suffering and pain? What happens when a child is kidnapped, made to become a soldier or sex slave, then is rescued? How do they return to their families (if they haven’t been forced to murder or maim them yet?)

Shouldn’t the African people be the heroes of this story, not white filmmakers and their cute little kids?

But all of that I set aside in my rush of emotion while watching the Invisible Children video.

Another, more rational part of me, the part of me who used to work for a charity, admired Invisible Children for the following reasons:

• They didn’t dwell on the horror. I find “poverty pornography” distasteful. You know what I mean: the heart-rending photos of big-bellied brown children unable to wipe the flies away from their faces, or the woman cowering in the corner, shielding her children from an abusive partner. It’s shock and awe, and it only works for so long until people get overwhelmed and shut down.
• Instead, they told a story of friendship, they brought the conflict down to a human level.
• They pointed to a solution. A neat, tidy call to action that is creative, fun, and aimed perfectly at the target audience. If all you want to do is share the video, you can engage in some handy, instant “clicktivism.” If you want to do more, you can order a $30 kit and put up some posters with your friends. If you want to help “more,” you can donate on a per-month basis to the ongoing work of the charity.
• Of course, the celebrities don’t hurt either.
• And of course, it’s not enough, and there is more to Uganda and to Invisible Children than the video.

In a perfect world Invisible Children would learn valuable lessons and fold its money and talent into existing organizations who will tell the story justly. However, given that likely won’t happen, there is so much for activists to learn from Invisible Children.

The Occupy movement, for instance, demanded from many would-be supporters an untenable level of engagement and refused to point to solutions, or pointed to too many conflicting ones. (Not only that, but the human microphone thing only made me think of Monty Python’s Life of Brian: “You are all individuals,” says Brian to the mob gathered outside his door. “Yes, we are all individuals,” the mob replies in unison.)

The environmental movement has not been able to cross the divide from “we’re all doomed” to “look here, there’s hope” in a major way. As far as I’m concerned, “An Inconvenient Truth” showed the need. Now point me in the direction of the solution. Celebrate our victories, however small. Convince me the impossible can be done (something the Kony 2012 video does very well).

Along the way, can we please make it joyful? I’m prone to stress and depression at the best of times (along with most of the rest of North America), I want to be happy and hopeful, even when there are setbacks.

I KNOW we’re all doomed. I knew it from the first time I saw “If You Love this Planet.” I’m overwhelmed and I’m cynical. Don’t parade helpless victims and hopeless problems in front of me any more, give them a voice. Empower them. Don’t show me any more photos of dead baby albatrosses unless you can also illuminate the path to a better world.

Here’s something for leaders of causes to remember: people are only bitter and cynical because they still care.

I have a brand new empty nest. I just moved to a new city. I’m looking to give of myself and make some lasting relationships. I have a lot to give, but I’m cautious about where to spend my energy.

Show me how I can save the planet, give help to child soldiers, eradicate poverty in a joyful way, and I’ll work my fingers to the bone for your cause. Activate my compassion, but treat my activism with care, because my emotions are a limited resource. I hunger for joy and companionship as well as justice. Create communities where all those things are sustained and nurtured, and I will participate.

———

Here are some links I gathered last week that point to more on Uganda, Africa and Invisible Children:

• Kony 2012: what’s the real story?
• Rosebell Kagumire’s YouTube channel
• Links and information gathered by author Neil Gaiman, to whom I am grateful for spreading the word about the “other” side of the Invisible Children story.
• Taking ‘Kony 2012′ down a notch
• Visible Children: Kony 2012,viewed critically

Finally, if you want to donate to an international organization, might I suggest the following:

• Medecins sans frontières (Doctors Without Borders)
• Global Fund for Women
• Kiva 

I got a reply:

On 2012-02-22, at 9:42 AM,  <vic.toews.c1@parl.gc.ca> wrote:

Thank you for contacting my office regarding Bill C-30, the Protecting Children from Internet Predators Act.

Canada’s laws currently do not adequately protect Canadians from online exploitation and we think there is widespread agreement that this is a problem.

We want to update our laws while striking the right balance between combating crime and protecting privacy.

Let me be very clear: the police will not be able to read emails or view web activity unless they obtain a warrant issued by a judge and we have constructed safeguards to protect the privacy of Canadians, including audits by privacy commissioners.

What’s needed most is an open discussion about how to better protect Canadians from online crime. We will therefore send this legislation directly to Parliamentary Committee for a full examination of the best ways to protect Canadians while respecting their privacy.

For your information, I have included some myths and facts below regarding Bill C-30 in its current state.

Sincerely,

Vic Toews

Member of Parliament for Provencher

Myth: Lawful Access legislation infringes on the privacy of Canadians.

Fact: Our Government puts a high priority on protecting the privacy of law-abiding Canadians. Current practices of accessing the actual content of communications with a legal authorization will not change.

Myth: Having access to basic subscriber information means that authorities can monitor personal communications and activities.

Fact: This has nothing to do with monitoring emails or web browsing. Basic subscriber information would be limited to a customer’s name, address, telephone number, email address, Internet Protocol (IP) address, and the name of the telecommunications service provider. It absolutely does not include the content of emails, phones calls or online activities.

Myth: This legislation does not benefit average Canadians and only gives authorities more power.

Fact: As a result of technological innovations, criminals and terrorists have found ways to hide their illegal activities. This legislation will keep Canadians safer by putting police on the same footing as those who seek to harm us.

Myth: Basic subscriber information is way beyond “phone book information”.

Fact: The basic subscriber information described in the proposed legislation is the modern day equivalent of information that is in the phone book. Individuals frequently freely share this information online and in many cases it is searchable and quite public.

Myth: Police and telecommunications service providers will now be required to maintain databases with information collected on Canadians.

Fact: This proposed legislation will not require either police or telecommunications service providers to create databases with information collected on Canadians.

Myth: “Warrantless access” to customer information will give police and government unregulated access to our personal information.

Fact: Federal legislation already allows telecommunications service providers to voluntarily release basic subscriber information to authorities without a warrant. This Bill acts as a counterbalance by adding a number of checks and balances which do not exist today, and clearly lists which basic subscriber identifiers authorities can access.

And I did some research and responded to his letter as follows:

Thank you for your response Mr. Toews, but you’re wrong. The Bill DOES contain provisions for spying on the contents of Canadians’ electronic communications.

As Michael Guest reported: http://www.michaelgeist.ca/content/view/6331/125/ Section 487.0195 opens the door wide open to content spying. As he explains: “ISPs can refuse, but this provision is designed to remove any legal concerns the ISP might have in doing so, since it grants full criminal and civil immunity for the disclosures.”

You can spin the message on this Bill any way you like, but the language is there for all to see. Canadians are smarter than this and we deserve better; I’m afraid your response isn’t adequate.

You say it’s a myth that basic subscriber information is way beyond “phone book information.” I disagree.

The Ontario Privacy Commissioner Ann Cavoukian, all provincial and federal Privacy Commissioners as well the Minister of Public Safety and others all make the point that subscriber information can easily be used to track an individual’s online habits. This simply cannot be done with information from a phone book. It’s an invasion of privacy.

“You can infer, by connecting the dots of the surfing habit online, a great deal of very personal information about an individual. And I object to that kind of information being accessible without a warrant,” said Cavoukian.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/story/2012/02/18/pol-thehouse-vic-toews.html

Let me be clear: I believe the police should be able to tap phones, track people and search computers in order to catch terrorists and child pornographers, but all with a warrant. The only thing that stands in the way of police over-reaching and the destruction of civil rights is the Charter and independent judges who are trained and experienced in deciding where to strike the proper balance.

Saying that the police will now have a way to hide their illegal activities, too, keeping on par with the criminals, does not make me feel any safer. If you have a problem with the warrant system being “cumbersome” then fix it by adequately resourcing the justice system.

I agree with David Fraser, author of the Canadian Privacy Law Blog, when he says “The law could have been tailored to only apply to actual lawful investigations of child exploitation or terrorism offenses, but the government did not do that.”

There already exists a legal framework for catching terrorists and child pornographers. This bill goes much too far. Please withdraw it.

Not only did Apple make things right within the time they specified (even if it wasn’t right away, it was, as promised, within 24 hours) – they gave me five song credits on iTunes, and this morning I got this email from Taylor:

Hello again,

I wanted to send a quick note to see if you are still experiencing any difficulties with the iTunes Store. Resolving your issue is important to me, so please don’t hesitate to reply if you need any further assistance.

Sincerely,

Taylor

iTunes Store Customer Support

Apple is working hard to restore my confidence and trust in their stellar customer service reputation. It’s working.

UPDATE 10:45 am Feb 20: I had a fruitful (no pun intended – honest!) email exchange with Taylor at Apple’s Express Lane service, and it looks like my issue is now solved. See below.

Devices I own that are affected:

• MacBook Air
• iPhone 4S
• iPad2
• iPod Touch
• AppleTV
• iPod Nano

On Friday Feb 17 I opened iTunes, went into my account and changed three things: my AppleID, my password, and my payment information. I wanted to change my existing AppleID  for security reasons I won’t go into here.

That done, my account now shows the new email as my primary AppleID with the old ID as an associated email on my account.

Then I went to change the settings in my iPhone 4S, iPad2, iPod Touch, and AppleTV, starting with my iPhone. I could not simply double-click on my AppleID and enter the new one in my iPhone. Mystified, I made an appointment with the Genius Bar at the Apples Store at Oakridge in Vancouver.

When I arrived, an Apple employee, a young woman, asked if she could help while I was waiting for my appointment. She explained that I would have to delete the account on my iPhone, then enter the new information. I did so. But she also said I would have no access to the apps, music etc. I bought with my previous AppleID.

I was horrified. That’s not what I wanted to do!

Sure enough, my Phone, iPod Touch, iPad, and as it turned out when I got home, AppleTV, all want access to my “old” AppleID in order to update the apps or access my account. She suggested I sign in with my “old” AppleID and forget the new one because, she said, I had now made two separate AppleIDs. This seemed wrong to me, because the “old” AppleID had showed up as an alternate email address under my account, but I tried anyway to sign in with my “old” AppleID.

Neither the new password nor the old password would work. So I went to appleid.apple.com and sent in a request for an email password reset. I never received an email to any email account I have associated with iTunes. I checked all spam filters too.

Then (still in the Apple Store, largely on my own as flaky employee went off to help other customers) I tried to reset the password using the challenge questions. The first question was my birthday. Apparently, that is my wrong birthday, because I failed to answer the question correctly. “Maybe you entered your birthday wrong originally” said the Apple Store employee as she flittered by. That was unhelpful. So, too was her suggestion to go home and phone Apple Care rather than follow through with my Genius Bar appointment.

She gave me the number, and I phoned Saturday evening. After going through a whole menu of options “to get me to the right place” the automated voice told me Apple was closed and please call back during business hours. No mention of what those business hours might be. Say what?

In the meantime I did send a frustrated and – now that I read it – incoherent message through “Express Lane” to iTunes Store Support. It didn’t help that I was forced to describe my problem in 140 characters.

When I did get through to the Apple Care support number on Sunday, the technician told me I needed to pay up before he could help me. By now suspicious that he could actually solve my problem, I said I would gladly pay if he could gaurantee to resolve my AppleID issues. “Oh no,” he said. “I only deal with the iPhone itself, you’ll have to go to a Genius Bar, or send a message through Express Lane.” By that time I hadn’t even got a confirmation email from “Express Lane.”

“Well, can’t I talk to someone at iTunes who can solve my problem?” I asked. By this time I was so frustrated and flustered I was on the verge of tears.

“No, if you want to talk to someone you have to go to the Genius Bar,” he said. So, I made another appointment at the Genius Bar, this time at Pacific Centre Mall in Vancouver.

When I got to the Genius Bar at Pacific Centre, I opened up all my devices and explained from the beginning. Alvaro, the technician, patiently explained to me that although he could help with hardware issues, he couldn’t help with my iTunes account. For that I would have to wait for a return email from iTunes “Express Lane.” He couldn’t solve my problem, but at least he knew who I needed to go to and didn’t send me on another fool’s errand.

So it’s the third day, and my issue is no closer to being resolved, except I finally did get a confirmation email from Apple that there is a ticket open and someone will get back to me “within 24 hours.”

If they didn’t have my data (that I bought and paid for) held hostage I would be tempted to take my business elsewhere. But what “elsewhere” is there? It’s 1984 again, and this time Apple has become Big Brother. That damn Super Bowl ad is just nostalgia now.

My questions, should I EVER get to talk to someone at Apple, are these:

• Why is it so easy within iTunes to change your AppleID without having the consequences explained before you go ahead and screw up your account?
• If iCloud/iTunes is such an important business for Apple, why is support only done via a 140-character “Express Lane” message with a 24-48 hour lag time? Apple’s hardware support is stellar, but iCloud/iTunes support is almost non-existent it seems.
• Why can’t I talk real-time with someone at Apple about my problems with my iTunes/iCloud account?
• Why did two different Apple employees send me in the wrong direction for help?
• Why didn’t my password reset email ever come? Why was my challenge question a failure?
• Why, if my iTunes account isn’t working with the new AppleID on my devices, was my “new” iTunes on my Mac able to download overnight the newest episode of a TV series I bought with the “old” iTunes ID?

Clock’s ticking, Apple.

—–

As mentioned, when Apple did email me back this morning I basically sent them this blog post with my personal details. Besides very carefully and politely explaining how to get access to my apps and music, Taylor attempted to answer my questions as follows:

-You had asked why it was so easy to change your Apple ID without being told of the consequences?

The simple answer is that there are not supposed to be any issues (although I don’t think thats a good answer in your case). When you change your Apple ID it is not supposed to have any effect on your content or the content on your devices. You should not have had all of the data stripped from your device at the Apple Store* (especially without being informed of this first). Additionally, all that you normally would have to do is just sign into the new account on your devices.

I know that there is no way you could have foreseen any of these problems, but if you ever want to do some research in the future, a wide variety of helpful tutorials, troubleshooting steps, and support information can be found on the iTunes support website:

http://www.apple.com/support/itunes/ww

Additionally, I prefer to post questions and read answers provided by other iTunes users. You can participate in iTunes discussions at our Apple Support Communities forums:

http://discussions.apple.com/category.jspa?categoryID=149

- You also asked why iTunes Store support is only through “Express Lane”?

I hear this question all of the time, but honestly the answer is that it’s still the same support. We get a lot of negativity in this aspect due to the need for instant gratification when someone has a problem that is bad enough to write in about. In certain situations like yours though (where there is a lot going on) I really do wish I could just pick up my phone and call you.

We have many teams of people that do nothing but process feedback from customers, so I would highly suggest that you inform them about how much you want to see phone support offered for iTunes. You can use this link here:

http://www.apple.com/feedback/itunes.html

- You asked why you could not talk to someone in real time about your issues with iCloud?

You can! There is a completely free and live online chat support group available for iCloud issues. You can actually speak to these guys through live chat via the internet. I have provided you a link to get there:

http://www.apple.com/support/contact/

Once you go to that web page, scroll down until you see the iCloud symbol, and click “Express Lane for iCloud”. After filling out a bunch of information, you will be transferred to their staff. That being said, they only address issues with iCloud. If you have an issue regarding the iTunes Store, it will have to be through an email.

- Why did two different Apple employees send me in the wrong direction for help?

This was just an error caused by the people in question. We try to offer the best customer service possible, but our workers do make mistakes. I would highly recommend that you contact the Apple Store in question, and explain your situation. If anything, you can prevent the same mistakes from happening again. If someone has an issue with their iTunes account, they should contact us before paying someone to hear their issues.

To make up for your terrible customer service experience, I have issued 5 free song credits to your … iTunes Store account. You can use these to buy the individual songs of your choice from the iTunes Store. I know it is not much, but it is just a small gift from iTunes.

When you next sign in with this account, the song credits will appear by your account name (in the upper-right section of the iTunes Store). The next individual song you buy from the iTunes Store will use one of your song credits instead of your primary form of payment (until all credits have been used or have expired). Please note that song credits cannot be used for purchasing songs that are listed as “Album Only.” If you don’t see your credits, please let me know.

- Why didn’t my password reset email never come? Why was my challenge question a failure?

Honestly we do have issues with this robotic system. Anything such as punctuation or grammar can prevent a password from being reset. If you want to update your security question, click “Return to My Apple ID” after resetting your password. Then click Manage Your Account, sign in, and choose the “ID and Password” tab. Be sure to enter a security question to which only you would know the answer.

* I should note that my iPhone was not stripped at the apple store, it’s just that I couldn’t access any updates on any of my devices and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to access any of my media.

I did follow up with iTunes feedback and I will be following up with the Apple stores here in Vancouver. Alvaro at Pacific Centre was very interested to hear how the issue was resolved, and I want to thank him for his excellent customer service. The person at Oakridge wasn’t much interested in follow up, but I will be giving feedback on her performance nonetheless (I have her card). I’m not sure how to give feedback to the people at AppleCare whose employee steered me wrong, but I’ll find out.

All in all, my issue was resolved, and in the end I had the customer service from Taylor that I’ve come to expect from Apple. The fact that it took three days and two out of four staff I encountered were unhelpful is not a good sign though.

Before last year, whenever I was single on February 14 (which was nearly every year), I was a Valentine’s Day grinch. Bah humbug. Every fluff story on the news, every store display, every heart shaped balloon and chocolate was a slap in the face designed to make me feel terrible because I had no one special in my life.

So, you’d think I’d be a puddle of tears today, seeing as I got dumped four days ago. You’d think I’d be shutting myself in my apartment with a pint of ice cream and a bottle of scotch. You’d think I’d be listening to J. Geils Band and Billie Holliday. You’d think I’d be tweeting a series of failings of my ex-lover in pithy passive aggressive tones each hashtagged with #fuckvalentines. Believe me I considered it. I wrote the tweets, then I deleted them.

A funny thing happened on the way to this breakup though. I moved over to Vancouver, my boyfriend moved in with me soon after, and I got depressed. I stopped running or working out. I stopped writing my blog. I stopped writing poetry. I gained 10 pounds. I stopped wanting to go out.

“You’re just nesting,” one friend said.

“Maybe I’m grieving for my life in Victoria,” I said at one point.

But I couldn’t shake the blues. I was depressed and had been since last November. Then on Friday he left. I reclaimed my closet space, and my dining room table, and my diet (that much red meat really is NOT good for a person), and my running, and my sanity. I hadn’t even realized I lost it.

Every day since last Friday feels better than the day before. As a matter of fact, I can’t remember the last time I felt this hopeful and free.

So no – I will never begrudge Valentine’s Day again. I have no need to. I am happy the way I am: single. I haven’t been so fine with being single since I got divorced twelve years ago. Being single is so much better than being in a relationship that makes me depressed.

I did have a “date” with a friend tonight, who can’t make it because she’s sick. So I’ll probably just go enjoy my favourite neighbourhood restaurant by myself (mmm tikka masala). I’ll eat some ginger chocolate, and I will love myself, because I am my own Valentine.

Curves

Convergence

Symmetry

It’s been eight days (one week back at work) without the routine of putting on make-up. I’ve enjoyed the convenience, and the time saved, but throughout the past week I’ve found myself inexplicably having unpleasant flashbacks to my elementary/middle school years.

I wasn’t a popular girl. My family was not involved in our small farming community. When I was in grade three my stepfather had divorced his first wife and shortly thereafter brought my mother, me and my two siblings to live on the farm where he had lived all his life. That was very odd behaviour at the time (mid-seventies); and our social isolation, my mother’s alcoholism and morbid obesity didn’t help. We stood apart: not in a good way.

Then, at age 14, I got glasses, further sealing my fate as an outcast. I was too smart, I got straight-As (a social life-killer then as it is now). I preferred reading to riding horses or joining 4-H or figure skating, activities the other kids did regularly.

There were a lot of mean comments about my mom’s weight, which were designed to also imply that I too was a fat ugly cow, or at least destined to be one (I’ve never been overweight, and my mom was in fact quite attractive). I was teased a lot, and excluded from social activities.

Meantime, one of my mom’s main hobbies for a while was trying to sell cosmetics to friends and neighbours. There was a lot of make-up around, and I was schooled in how to apply it from an early age. This was the seventies, I had a lot of blue eyeshadow in those days, and I tried to feather my hair like Farrah Fawcett’s.

All to no avail really. Not that I cold parse it out at the time, but make-up couldn’t make me more popular, couldn’t make the girls stop teasing and make them invite me to their parties. Even if boys found me attractive, it wasn’t in their best interests to make it known, or they could face social ostracization too.

Make-up nevertheless became a way of pretending I fit in, that I really was attractive. Pretty. Worthy. When I finally escaped the confines of my family of origin and the town where I grew up (to which I’ve never returned, unsurprisingly) the masques of femininity followed, and have carried on well into my adult life. I’m not alone, of course. My story isn’t all that unique. That’s why this poem “Pretty” by Katie Makkai makes me tear up every time:

“This is about the self-mutilating circus we have painted ourselves clowns in. About women who will prowl 30 stores in 6 malls to find the right cocktail dress, but haven’t a clue where to find fulfillment or how wear joy, wandering through life shackled to a shopping bag, beneath those 2 pretty syllables.”

Upon reflection, I’m not surprised that a prolonged period of going without make-up has led to the resurfacing of some uncomfortable memories. At this point in life those deep-seated assumptions are ready to be uprooted. I have a feeling I’ve uncovered more than just a fresh face.

The story (directed by John Madden who did “Shakespeare in Love” among others)  begins in Tel Aviv in 1997 where Rachel (Helen Mirren – I want to be her when I grow up), an ex-Mossad agent, is reliving a pivotal assignment from 1965 because her daughter has written a book about it. She and her partners David and Stephan were sent to East Berlin to kidnap a Nazi war criminal so he could be put on trial.

It’s clear Rachel is uncomfortable with the accolades, and we soon relive the events of 1965 where the issues of justice and morality, evil and revenge, right and wrong are not so cut and dried as they would seem. The plot to spirit evil Dr. Vogel to Israel to face justice goes awry, and the young agents must hole up with their captive until an alternate plan can be worked out. The agents in 1965 are young and idealistic, there is a crisis of leadership tangled in a love triangle. The consequences of their choices during that pivotal time have repercussions for decades to come.

There are such nuances and layers in the characters, the plot and the writing that even though I was bone-tired, I could not fall asleep during this movie. It made me think. I love it when movies do that, and they do it so rarely, that this one comes highly recommended.

By the way I’d like to thank film critics everywhere. I listened to an interview with Roger Ebert on The Q radio show on CBC recently, where he mentioned that he watches so many bad movies he sometimes laments the wasted hours he’ll never get back. I’m here to tell you that I am very, very grateful to you: you watch all the crap movies so we don’t have to. I’d buy you a beer (or in Roger’s case, a non-alcoholic beverage of choice) or make you a home-cooked meal anytime in appreciation. I’m in your debt for all the hours I’ve not wasted on bad movies you’ve warned me about.

Mt. Finlayson hike. I usually only go without makeup while exercising or camping

I noticed this yesterday morning because I had forgotten to do just that the night before, on New Year’s Eve. I had been essentially make-up-less since our office closed for the Christmas holidays December 23. Then, December 31, Chris and I reserved a table at La Terrazza for our first anniversary dinner, so I painted my face, as much as I ever do.

I had already grown accustomed to not scrubbing my face to within an inch of raw after a week of going fresh-faced, so I felt the “ick” of make-up left on overnight as I stepped into the shower January 1.

You see, I had agreed, with Janis Lacouvée and a few others, to go without make-up for a month in January 2012, as part of an awareness-building, gender-role exploring, self-reflective exercise called “Fresh Year, Fresh Face.”

I’m a moderate make-up wearer. One of the things that attracted Chris to me was the fact that I don’t really have a need for a lot of “warpaint.” In fact, our first Skype date (Dec. 31, 2010) I had barely made myself presentable after getting home from the Run Through Time 5K race: my beauty routine for that first virtual date involved a quick sponge bath, a quick fix of the hair and that’s it. I had just run 5K, my cheeks were pink, I felt good. Nevertheless, it’s not my habit to be less than carefully made-up for a first date of any kind. It was already 11:30 pm in New Brunswick by the time our call started, and I didn’t want to keep him up any longer than necessary.

Apparently I looked as good as I felt. I did apologize to Chris, explaning that I usually take more care with my appearance for a first date, to which he replied: “So, this is you looking uh – not good – huh? Wow.”

Nevertheless, that little it of makeup I was accustomed to wearing was my “game face.” While crawling out from the depths of my worst depressive episode (over ten years ago now) the routine of putting on makeup in the morning was a healing ritual I needed in order to go through the motions of belonging to society: every day I would force myself out of bed, eat, shower, and while I applied make-up I pretended it was a mask I was putting on in order to appear normal and healthy.

It worked, until one day it no longer felt like a forgery. I had “faked it til I made it.”

Tori pondering life without makeup

So I approach this exercise with a little trepidation. Can I let go of my ritual and still keep my mental health? Will this start down the path of “letting myself go?” These are very real concerns to me, and I’m thankful I have company and an outlet where I can explore these issues.

I should add that Fresh Year Fresh Face is not just about the make-up. I’ve also darkened my hair to more closely match my original hair colour, with the intention of also giving up salon hair colouring. It’s been varying shades of red or blonde for many, many years, and now I have several grey strands coming in. I’ve moved to Vancouver from Victoria, leaving my youngest child to pursue her studies and a life in Victoria independent of me. Chris moved in (at least for a few months) just a couple of weeks ago. That’s a lot of change in the past two months.

It’s safe to say a more apt moniker for what’s going in with me right now is Fresh Year, Fresh Life.

You can follow all the gals participating in Fresh Year, Fresh Face on Twitter, we’ll be using the hashtag #FYFF.