Marathon training is consistent, disciplined and only for the truly motivated, or bat s**t crazy. I haven’t decided which camp I’m in. Here are some lame and not-so-lame things marathon runners give up in their quest for the finisher’s medal:

✘ A social life. Who can stay up past ten when they do five or more hard workouts a week lasting an hour or more each? Parents of small children beg off parties at midnight, laughing about how they magically turn back into moms and dads at the stroke of 12. Marathoners start yawning at 9 pm. “I just hate to go, but I’ve got a 15 K with two 5 K -pace pick-ups tomorrow morning,” while their orphaned friends say “huh” and pour another drink. Speaking of drink –

✘ Fine wine and spirits. They’re dehydrating. More than one and you’re headachy and your run the next day sucks (if you’re a lightweight like me that is). They contain too much sugar and your body needs good calories. Stay away if you know what’s “good” for you dammit! Speaking of which —

✘ Feeling full. Crikey! Are all marathoners hungry all the time? I once worked with an economist who was an ultra-triathlete. That means he did two or three Ironman-distance triathlons – back-to-back, all at once. Now that’s definitely in the category of bats**t crazy. If anyone brought any food – be it donuts, cookies, rice cakes, carob-coated seaweed clusters, thawed out frozen hamburger patties that had been sitting in the freezer too long and microwaved to soggy goodness, I mean anything – he’d literally leap over his desk and be first in line. I’m not that bad. I bring 3 healthy mini-meals to work every day, otherwise every two hours I’d be heading to Timmy’s across the street for a crueler. Which leads me to —

✔ Excess weight. This only works if you watch your nutrition. There are many marathon runners of all shapes and sizes. I lost that extra ten pounds I’ve put on in the last three years by dedicating myself to bootcamp-style workouts with Megan for twelve weeks and sticking to good eating habits – that was mostly before I started training for the marathon.

✔ New friends! People are still flocking to sign up for training clinics at shoe stores everywhere. There is a huge community of runners out there who train together, socialize together and travel together to various races across the world. I did a Google search for “running tourism” and came up with over 10 pages of entries: I found a recent Canadian article on the subject.

✔ Feeling bloated, crappy and blah People who exercise regularly have more energy, better sex lives, yada yada. You’ve all heard it before, and it’s true – to a point. After a run that lasts more than 1.5 hours, I’m a write-off the rest of the day. Naps are my friend! Otherwise, I have fewer bouts of vague achies and sickies than I did as a less active person. That’s also due to another great loss –

✔ Stress. This is true to a point as well. While exercise makes you stronger, more relaxed, lowers blood pressure and helps get rid of the bad stress hormones plaguing your bloodstream – once the mileage piles up, the reverse can happen to a marathon runner. Or, as my massage therapist  (Duane of Duane’s House of Pain infamy) once quipped:

“Once you cross the 15-or-20 mile a week threshold, you’re not running for your health anymore, you’re putting extra stress on your body you have to deal with.”

And with that, I must go ice my feet …