I keep reading about people’s running: someone’s training for Boston, or an ultra, or an Ironman, and I think “I want to do all those things, but here I am signed up for a puny little Half Marathon again this spring.”

I can’t get excited training for it. I haven’t been interested in training since my SI joint injury just after the marathon last May. It still doesn’t feel quite right, and I can’t even get excited about running most of the time. I haven’t adjusted to running life in Vancouver very well.

I miss running in Victoria. I miss having kilometres of beautiful coastline within minutes of my home.

I miss having trails an easy 20 minute drive (or less) away.

I miss having a challenging tree-lined hill workout in my own neighbourhood.

I miss having training buddies who run at my training pace.

I miss daylight. Maybe it will get better in spring. Maybe I should bring running gear to work and run the seawall at lunchtime.

I know I need to exercise every day, and I manage to get a few workouts in per week. Maybe that’s enough for now. After all, I just moved. Chris just moved in with me. I just want to sit in my cosy apartment with my fireplace going and have a glass of wine with my new neghbours and friends.

Maybe I should just give myself a break. Lean into it, and see what happens.

This too shall pass.

Photo by robswatski used under Creative Commons license

But then things just kind of went to hell.

I stopped doing my bootcamp class, I went on vacation for a month. I started to get weak. My injuries just don’t heal like they used to. In October, I put in my worst Half Marathon performance ever. Then I moved to Vancouver,

I’ve seen a PT here, but my last “treatment” consisted of showing me exercises that I won’t do every day like I’m supposed to. I can’t pay $70 per session for that.

I’m starting to wonder if my goal of putting in a sub 2-hour half marathon this year is doable. Getting faster means putting in some consistent fast mileage. Consistent fast mileage means injury. Injury means more time and money to PT and massage, neither of which I can afford right now.

So why can’t I be satisfied with a modest 25-30k of running per week at a moderate pace? Why do I have to set an ambitious goal? (Hey – I KNOW I’m slow. For me, 2 hours is an ambitious goal. I’m not you. Deal with it.) Why can’t I sign up for a race without a goal in mind? Why sign up for a race at all?

Well, because the best part about racing is the experience of the day itself: lining up with hundreds, if not thousands, of other runners excited about their performance. Race day is a victory lap, a reward for training, for putting in the miles no one sees. Half the fun is cheering for the other runners on the course, especially team mates you’ve been training with for months.

In racing, my time does not count. I’m just another mid-to-back-of-the-pack runner in a sea of spandex. I’m not even going to place in my age group. Ever.

It’s the journey, not the tape. Hell I won’t even see the tape.

Training hard also takes away from other things I want to do: writing, cooking spending time with my man (who just moved in), maybe even performing slam poetry again.

Someone with ultra-stamina could probably do all that and more. Not me, not any more. I know my energy levels and my priorities.

So, just as I’m reflecting on my priorities for 2012, I’m taking a good hard look at what I really want to accomplish this year, and I’m adjusting accordingly.

I remember a question from a participant at the start of training for my first marathon in 2009: “Will we still be running if the weather is cold, windy and rainy?” to which the run leader replied with a question of her own:

“Will they cancel the race because of rain or wind?”

“Uh – no.”

“Well then, we won’t be calling off any training runs either.”

There’s a sign outside the Mountain Equipment Co-op store in Vancouver that says something like “There’s no bad weather, only bad gear.”

So I’ll be packing dry socks and an extra sweater to change into after tonight’s run, expecting my windbreaker to be soaked through to my bones after tonight’s run. I’ll also be lit up like a Christmas tree with blinking lights front and back. Dark, cold and rainy indeed.

I don’t mind the wind and the rain once I drag my ass out there. If the rain pelts down and the wind tries to knock me over I persevere by envisioning the crossing the finish line with the clock well under my goal time.

I have also been known to laugh in the face of a storm in my own version of Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump, shouting: “Is that all you got? C’mon, gimme more!”

After all, I know a hot shower and a dry warm bed await me tonight. It’s all a matter of perspective, passion and perseverance.

BRING IT!!

I am just fine with that – it was my goal in fact, because I am feeling uninjured and wonderful and I have a medal to mark another accomplishment. I know I can go out there undertrained and in the midst of a major life change and finish a challenging distance race with a smile on my face.

That’s huge.

I know my limits and my abilities and I’m so damn thankful that I have my health. Any day above ground is a supreme gift.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

It sneaks up on you literally at night. You wake up in the morning with a twinge of heel pain. It goes away after you walk around a bit and you think “Huh. That was nothing.”

Send help immediately.

But then it happens a couple of days later. And another after that. Soon it’s every morning when you get up.

But it feels better when you go for a run, so you don’t think much about it. Except, slowly, it gets worse. Soon, your foot starts hurting after you’ve been sitting at your desk for a couple of hours.

Then, if you still do nothing about it, you’ll end up having foot pain while out for a run. When you get up from bed or from sitting more than an hour you are hobbled. Then you’re in real trouble. Don’t believe me? Read this.

I know all this because I’ve been there, several years ago. It took six months or so to heal completely and get back running: physiotherapy, massage, ice baths for my feet, no-impact cardio (I couldn’t even push off the wall when swimming laps, or do hills during spin class). For a time, my only real workout was daily stretching. It was demoralizing. It sucked.

So, this morning when I got out of bed for the third morning and the niggling little twinge in my left foot was worse, I knew I couldn’t ignore it. Different foot this time, I caught it earlier, and I know what to do. Here’s hoping I won’t have to be off for long. I’m signed up for two half marathons in the next six weeks and I’m determined to finish both of them.

My first massage appointment is tomorrow. Wish me luck…

Photo: Aches and pains by quinn.anya used under Creative Commons license.

Thanks to @FootSourceMD for the link to information about plantar fasciitis.

This race is so much different from my first marathon. I’m still deeply committed, training is going well this year (dare I say better than last year?) – but that added sense of excitement and pressure is gone. I already know I can run a marathon – I’ve already achieved 42.2 kms.

This race is about seeing how strong I can be and running 42.2 faster than last time. It’s about having fun on a course in my hometown. For me, marathon running is like golf: if you hit a sweet drive 20% of the time, that one sweet shot after four duds is enough to keep you going back for more.

Looking at all my Halfs and Full marathons the past two years, I only felt really good during the Vancouver Half in 2009 – the Victoria Marathon hurt like hell from the 25km mark and the Oak Bay Half this year was a slog, despite my PB time.

Searching for that perfect race day just keeps me running.

Training is fun too – when I get a day (and it happens more frequently than a nice golf swing actually) where the weather, the company of my running buddies, my mood and my energy levels are optimum I think I’m the luckiest girl on earth. And I couldn’t get those days if I wasn’t training for another marathon.

So I’ll take them as they come!

—

Training this week: recovery week, only 16k long run Saturday.

Next week: 32k long run (about 3.5 hours). After that, the taper starts!

1. Official time: 2:08:04
2. Personal best by 4:20 (previous PB 2:12:24)
3. By any measure, that’s a huge jump in performance.

Why am I not really satisfied?  (Or more importantly – I’m feeling guilty about not being satisfied because in fact today was quite an accomplishment! At age 45, I have never run so fast for so long in my life, and I know I could run faster! Isn’t that amazing when you really think about it?)

Because I think I could have done better; because every other person I trained with (except one) finished faster (look at that handsome bunch of healthy people in the picture!), because I knew I wouldn’t hit my “A” goal just after the 5K mark, and I knew I wouldn’t hit my “B” goal before the 15K mark, even though my pace was stronger than ever before. It’s tough to recover from negative self-talk like that in the middle of an endurance race.

Let’s back up: here were my tiered goals for today:

• “A” goal that I set in January: sub-2 hrs. Reward: that tattoo I’ve been wanting for 10 years.
• “B” goal: sub-2:05. Reward: 2 summer dresses + necklace I picked out at Lark & Sparrow yesterday.
• “C” goal: sub-2:10. Reward: 1 of the dresses. No necklace.
• “Just finishing:” A spa day with a friend. Ok ok, I was going to do that anyway.

So – even though I realized that my stretch goal of sub-2 hrs was improbable, my goal of 2:05 was well within reach.

I felt crappy from the start. Even though I came to the first 5 K at about 29:00 I felt like I was pushing it too much, I was worried I wouldn’t have enough for those tough hills at the end of the course. I got a stitch in my side that took from the 7 until the 12 K mark to disappear. My legs felt heavy and tired. Many times, even before the first hill, I wanted to quit.

You are what you pay attention to: this was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I did the same workouts as my pace group friends who came in ahead of me; I was trained and ready. My own brain failed me: we now know that our brain tricks us into experiencing fatigue and pain when in fact our muscles are far from failure.

I knew this at the time because I had listened to a recent Radiolab episode that explored the limits of the human body. (Aside, if you haven’t listened to Radiolab, you’re missing out. It’s a radio show about science presented in a very – artistic – way. It’s where I first heard the music of Zoe Keating, for instance.)

As it happens, I found this Active.com article (echoing the same research) after I hobbled home today:

Fatigue is actually caused by the brain, which reduces its electrical stimulation of the muscles and produces feelings of discomfort to prevent any real damage from happening to the muscles or other organs.

….

A number of recent studies have clearly demonstrated that fatigue-related declines in exercise performance are almost always associated with corresponding declines in motor output from the brain. Other studies have shown that muscles are able to continue working beyond normal endurance limits–without suffering any harm–when the motor centers of the brain are artificially stimulated.

What I didn’t realize that the “rewards” thing was not going to make me run any faster. Just see what this educator has to share about the latest thinking on that.

With the information that we have now, we know that a rewards system does not improve or promote creativity.  It also does more to extinguish internal motivation, than promote it.

He shared his personal story of being an overweight kid; how rewarding him for playing hockey did not work (in fact backfired) while he was growing up, but…

As I grew older, I played basketball and my parents did not need to motivate me at all.  I loved the sport and I appreciated my parents recognizing me and encouraging me to do better, but I did not play for that reason.  I played because I loved it and I worked hard because I wanted to get better.  This has helped me into my adulthood where physical activity is something that I enjoy doing and have run a few marathons.  I love being active yet do not get any external award for my activity.  It is just something I enjoy.

I’m the same way. I was not a heavy child but I was not a jock by any stretch. I got into fitness as an adult, I was intrinsically motivated.

Becoming zen while running didn’t improve my performance either, it just helped me get through the race as well as I could; I alternated between silently chanting “Om Mani Padme Hum” and singing “99 bottles of beer on the wall” to distract my brain.

Clearly, I need to do that kind of brain training before race day. Run faster, longer on long run days. Run more hills. Revive my meditation practice. My brain needs to learn that pain, suffering are indeed illusions, that I am capable of far more than I have ever believed, that there is no reward or punishment. The doing is its own reward and in the end, it means nothing and everything at the same time.

Photo: my pace group at the start line, taken on my iPhone by a kind fellow runner!

• Is There a Ghost – Band of Horses
• After Party – Ozomatli
• Persion Griot – Dharmakassa
• Blitzkrieg Bop – Ramones
• You Gotta Help Me Out – Killers
• Motivation – Sum 41
• Vertigo – U2
• Shut the Club Down – Girl Talk
• Priscilla Blues – Rusty Augers
• Pump It Up – Elvis Costello
• Gutless – Hole
• Grounds for Divorce – Elbow
• Celtic Raga – Dharmakassa
• Switching to Clide – various
• Kalasnjikov – Goran Bregovic
• Here’s the Thing – Girl Talk
• Saw Red – Sublime and Gwen Stefani
• Arezou – Niyaz
• Road – Refractory
• Monster Hospital – Metric
• Galaxy Bounce – Chemical Brothers
• TKO – Le Tigre
• Romantic Rights – Death from Above
• High Fidelity – Elvis Costello
• Help I’m Alive – Metric
• Set it Off – Girl Talk
• Alive – Daft Punk
• Credit in the Straight World – (Hole)
• Absurd – Fluke
• Move Your Ass – Scooter
• Salaam – Gipsyland (feat. Anoushka)
• Love Like a Sunset Pts 1-2 – Phoenix

I was excited about running the BMO Vancouver Half Marathon again as recently as Tuesday.

Tonight though (Friday), when it’s time to be packing and hydrating and fueling, I’m looking forward to spending a few days at home instead.

I love Vancouver, but I’ve been back and forth a lot lately and one more trip just looks like No. Fun. At. All.

I just got back from there yesterday. If I was to go to Vancouver tomorrow, I would return by ferry Sunday afternoon, then turn around and go back to Vancouver Tuesday through Saturday next week. I’m getting exhausted just writing all that, let alone running a 21.1 km race on Sunday to boot.

I don’t think M. feels all that great about my traveling either, and we discussed it tonight. If she were to come with me she would have to work around my race instead of having fun with Mom in the city.

I’m not without choices though: most of my other running clinic buddies are signed up for the Oak Bay Half Marathon on May 16. I can sign up for that one, hop back on the final two weeks of their schedule by running 1:30 or 1:45 tomorrow and some hills on Wednesday, then taper (again) for another 10 days. Heck, it would even be cheaper than taking the ferry over and eating all our meals out, etc.

In the end it comes down to this: I run for fun. It’s not an imperative, it’s not a job. It’s a way to challenge myself and feel great afterward. It doesn’t matter if I run Vancouver or Victoria; it doesn’t matter if I run sub-2 hours or 2:15. What matters is I show up and feel good about my effort.

So, the plan has changed – I’m in training for another 2 weeks and I’ll run in my own town May 16, after sleeping in my own bed the night before.

I will run the BMO Vancouver Half Marathon in 2 hours or less.

I will run the BMO Vancouver Half Marathon in 2 hours or less.

I will run the BMO Vancouver Half Marathon in 2 hours or less.

I will run the BMO Vancouver Half Marathon in 2 hours or less.

I will run the BMO Vancouver Half Marathon in 2 hours or less.

I will run the BMO Vancouver Half Marathon in 2 hours or less.

I will run the BMO Vancouver Half Marathon in 2 hours or less.

….[repeat as needed]…