I think I’ve discovered through this blog that people will forgive you for being raw and intensely personal, as long as it’s a half-decent read.

I’ve discovered that writing and relationships can be like the water torture: the constant drip drip drip of “what-if” and “could-be” that eases up when you finally realize the legacy of all that pain.

Yesterday’s poem was about a relationship from several years ago, written about a year ago. I stumbled across it and though “Hey – that’s not bad is it?”

I go with my gut a lot. However sometimes (like my last relationship, the wounds from which are still raw) I can talk myself out of going with my gut, hoping the outcome will somehow be different from what I know will happen from past experience.

Never works.

So here, without giving too much away about the other party, are my lessons learned from failed relationships, particularly this latest one:

• Trust your gut.
• He did it to you once, he will do it to you again. Unless there’s a hell of a lot of soul searching going on in the meantime.
• He won’t change. Especially at his age. Love him as is, in this moment, right now, or walk away.
• Love is everything, but it’s not enough. Commitment is something else entirely, and few people are really up for it. When you love someone, you either are willing to make it work or you aren’t. I’ve been married and know all too well how that magic “soul mate” feeling gets lost over the years. That’s where true commitment kicks in.
• Speak your truth. It’s possible to still be in love with someone who is being a jerk to you. It doesn’t mean you have to take it.
• If he uses the term “soul-mate” or “The One” in reference to you (either you are or you aren’t) it’s a sign of spiritual and emotional immaturity. Lasting deep love only very rarely comes effortlessly. Sure, there is chemistry to ignite the spark, but there is no deus ex machina that makes everything happy-ever-after. “Soul-mate” thinking is magical thinking. A healthy relationship means adjustment, compromise, effort, change as well as happiness, great sex, passion, laughter, respect.
• Be willing to change. Notwithstanding the “speak your truth” above – if you recognize your baggage sneaking in on your happiness then by all means use that self-awareness to become a better person.
• See every relationship, romantic or otherwise, as an opportunity to become the person you are meant to be.